Blocks in Counselling

Sometimes people run into a block--where for some reason, they do not go any further, sometimes they feel it, sometimes it is unconcious. If you realize that there is some block, there is a reason for that. I find that it is a signal from somewhere in a client's mind or heart that there is something we need to talk about, some fear or some worry that needs attention. It is not something to be "blasted through," but rather something to be respected and worked with.

Some therapists call this resistance. I do not. Resistance is a word that therapists use when they are stuck. To me, this is the client working with me, even if it looks like they are not.

How Not to Become the Person You Want to Be

I had a client say to me the other day that he wanted to answer some online dating ads, but it didn't seem to him that this was the way to go. "It is not for me," he told me. It made me think that what he was doing was limiting himself by limiting his vision of himself, by creating some kind of boundaries that he didn't want to cross.

Yes he could have. He could have said to himself, this is something I will try. It is like you are are not a skiier, until you decide to ski, you are not a writer until you write. And why not do this, if he wants to meet someone? He could do this, if he could allow himself to go there.

Now, I know there are some weird people on websites, but there are wonderful people, and wonderful stories. Not for everyone, but for many. Like everything else, we don't do things blindly. But we don't blind ourselves from doing things either, hopefully.

We push through limits sometimes, simply by pushing through limits, and finding out that we can be the kind of person he didn't think we were.

Progress in Counselling

One way to increase the velocity and possibility of change and progress in counselling is to find situations outside of the counselling office where you can test out new behaviours and have new experiences of yourself and others. Look for ways and places to have new experiences. It might be joining something new, it might be going to somewhere new, it might be doing some things a little bit different.

Set up your goals for these experiences. Make them clear, specific, behavioural, and achievable. Also, make them realistic. We don't try to leap up a stairway in one bound, there are steps along the way to hel. It is the same with goals. Small ones, in which you achieve success can be more motivating to keep on going than trying large ones which seem insurmountable.

Keep a journal of what you have done.Write down what it was like, how it felt, and be as specific as you can about exactly what you did that made it a success, if it was.If it was not successful, analyze exactly what you did, and see if you can it in a different way. Remember too that sometimes changing behaviour takes time. Even the conscious effort to do so is one step. The fact that you tried is your first success.

Thoughts Are Like Habits

Sometimes we are able to make some changes in ourselves, almost like New Year's resolutions. We c hange our thoughts, our habits, our way of doing things. Then in about six months, sometimes a year, sometimes more, we find ourselves back where we were. If thoughts are like bad habits, and sometimes they are, remember it takes time to change,and remember that sometimes we need a tune up--we need to go back to our goals, our resolutions, and look at how we are doing.

Sometimes, we need to create structures to support the changes--an agreement to report to someone monthly about how we are doing. Put in our calendars to review our progress monthly for a year. Make our screensavers the reminders of how we want to think or be, and then make sure we read it every week.

In some ways, what these do is make us accountable to someone or something outside of ourselves; someone or something supportive.

Creating Ourselves

I don't know where I got this, but after many years it still rings true. It tells us how to recreate ourselves, either for the better or the worse:

Be careful of your thoughts
because your thought become your words.
Be careful of your words
because your words become your actions.
Be careful of you action
because your actions become your habits.
Be careful of your habits
because your habits become your character.
Be careful of you your character
because your character becomes your destiny.

Thoughtlines

WE all have noise in our head. Sometimes it is a symphony, sometimes it is a screeching of traffic and trains.

Often it is not only the thoughts that go on that can cause or maintain depression or anxiety, but it is also the pattern of thoughts that we have.

Try listening to the noise, not as just the individual notes, but as the whole pattern of the music; watch the pattern of your thoughts and what they do. Are they building to you or are they catching you up? All you have to do is notice them and if they are catching you up, start noticing how they do that.

Secrets

Sometimes people come to see a counsellor because of their secrets, the things that they haven't been able to talk to anyone else about, or the things that they think they should not be thinking. Often, it is a chance for them to look at themselves in a safe place; sometimes it is like slowly looking in the mirror.

Usually, the things that we think are horrible about ourselves, or that we think we should not be thinking, are not so bad, not so unusual. It is just that the more we keep them a secret, the more the shame and the guilt grow.

Everyone has bitter feelings at times, everyone has done something that they wish they hadn't. In the end, it is easier to face ourselves, and let it out, and find some self forgiveness. That can start by finding the acceptance you find with a counsellor.

A counsellor's office is a safe and unique place for you-- a place for you to just be you.

Inidividuals: Self Care

I often have people talk to me about trying to solve a concern in one area of their life, forgetting the impact that problems in another area may have. It is like they are not considering all of the others. We are complete people--it is difficult to compartmentalize sometimes. Worries, espeically, tend to seep out.

First thing is to acknowledge where the stressors are. Sometimes it is better to tackle some of the smaller ones, and then move on to the bigger issues. For instance, if you're living situation is unstable, it may be hard to deal with your relationship, or tackle a depression. It is like building yourself a support base. When you have the base, you can move up higher. The more complicated things will seem easier then.

If you need to separate one issue from the other, for instance family concerns when you are at work, then allow yourself to make sure you will deal with them later. Imagine yourself putting the home concern in a box when you are at work. Shut the box, and lock it, and keep track of the key. Put it somewhere in your mind, with a mental note to open on the weekend, for exmple.

Give yourself a schedule or time to confront the different concerns, when you are ready. The fact that you do this organizes you and helps you to feel more in control